Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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