I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
