So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
