Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
