Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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