no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Come see our sink grown plant.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
