Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
