you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
