I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
