You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
