I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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