Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
