Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize