Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
