On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
