thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
