My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
