if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
