i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
