So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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