totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
