Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
