Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
