your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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