Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Every concussion has its silver lining
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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