my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
