I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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