What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
