____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
