glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
