I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
