i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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