saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
