we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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