I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
