the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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