i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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