i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
