She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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