I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
