Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
