just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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