If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
