Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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