Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
