I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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