She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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