I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
