Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
