hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
