now i know why i became what i already was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
