girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
pray to the hookup gods
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize