better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize