how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
