so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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