My liver just broke up with me...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
