I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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