I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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