Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
