you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
FUCK WHALES
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