Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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