i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
