He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Never underestimate the power of titties
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