yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
