According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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