I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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