I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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