I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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