seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
